


I always wondered what we could have been

by bluebadlandstoni



Category: Troyler - Fandom, troye sivan - Fandom, tyler oakley - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-12 01:17:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9049405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluebadlandstoni/pseuds/bluebadlandstoni
Summary: In 2016, Troye and Tyler have lost contact. But Tyler isn't willing to give up their special relationship which has always been more to him than it was to Troye. Or at least that's what he thinks.





	1. It started with a dream

A/N: I know the beginning isn't the best but bear with me:)  
"Tillyyyy", he squealed gasping for air, "Stop it!" I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "Do you really want me to?" A slight blush made its way onto his cheeks. He looked straight back into my eyes and for a moment I was totally captured in their blue. Enough time for Troye to free himself and get on top of me. He grinned satisfied as he straddled me between his legs and started tickling me mercilessly. But I just layed there, unable to move or do anything to stop him. He leaned down to me, his eyes right in front of mine...  
"You know my subway order but not my eye color?"  
That's the thought I woke up to. I grinned when I thought about the day on which that quote had its origin. Of course I knew the color of his eyes. Of his beautiful hazel... just kidding.  
The smile fell from my face the moment I realized my bed was empty. Fuck. Why couldn't I get him out of my mind? It's almost been a year since I last saw him. Troye. The precious little twink who wasn't that little anymore. The boy who broke my heart by not returning my feelings. Not that I ever gave him any chance to do so. He probably doesn't even know that I have never seen him as a friend.  
I should just text him. I immediately pushed that thought to the back of my mind. We haven't talked in months. Even though he was in America right now. I frowned. He obviously didn't see the need to visit me. I knew, that I wasn't being fair. There were always two parties in a friendship. After all it has been me who stopped calling him. Not because I didn't want to. Not because I didn't miss his voice and his sassy comments so much it hurt. But because I couldn't handle him being happy with someone else. Because it hurt so much to see people suddenly shipping Tronnor.  
Connor used to be one of my best friends and I loved him. But knowing that he had what I could never have made me so jealous, I couldn't control my feelings around him and really fucked this friendship thing up there. So basically I lost two of my best friends due to being a selfish asshole who couldn't grant happiness to the love of my life.  
I've heard the rumors that their relationship had seen better days but I didn't allow myself to think about it too much because I knew that it would only give me false hope and my heart wasn't in for that. But after that dream I had to rethink that decision. What if after all these years, Troye realized that he didn't need anyone else? That I was the right one for him? Stop it, Tyler! I felt the need to hit my head against a wall. But just one text? What harm could one text possibly do? It's not like this could get any worse... With that I had made my decision and reached for my phone. One text... I didn't know what to write. He's in this area soon... I could ask if he wants to meet. But it would be awkward to just ask that after month with no contact whatsoever. After what felt like hours of arguing with myself I decided to just write:  
"Hey, I know we haven't spoken in a long time and I'm really sorry about that. How are you?"  
My thumb was trembling when I hit sent and immediately threw my phone to the other end of the sofa. But only a few seconds later I jumped after it and stared at it, afraid to miss Troye's answer. Damnit Tyler, you're not a teen anymore. Get your shit together! I rolled my eyes at my own behavior.  
My thoughts were interrupted, when the phone in my hands started ringing. Is he fucking calling me???? Great. This is going to be even more awkward. I just stared at my phone in disbelief, unsure what to do, until the ringing stopped. Fuck.  
Unable to move I waited for anything to happen. But nothing happened. Should I call him back? Wait for him to call again? I mean, I just texted him so he knew that I was probably still on my phone. What if he thinks I doesn't want to talk to him?  
Before I had a chance to make up my mind, the ringing started again. Like in trance I pushed the green button and lead te phone to my ear.  
"Hello?"  
I asked afraid that it could be someone else after all.  
"Hi, Tyler."  
I couldn't help but tear up the second I heard his voice. The way he said my name with a long "a" at the end. Damn it.  
"Tyler?"  
"Uuhm eh.... Hi Troye."  
That was all I could press out between the tears who now started pouting down my face and ruining my shirt. And I didn't even care.  
"Are you okay? It sounds like you're crying."  
" Uh what? No, no I'm fine I' m just.... Uhm, you know... I'm sick."  
"Oh, okay."  
He sounded disappointed somehow. Cold. The lack of emotions in his voice threatened to make my heart stop.  
"Why did you call?"  
"I... I don't know."  
Damn it, Tyler!  
"You don't know?"  
It broke my heart how sad he sounded.  
"You call me months after you just stopped replying to my texts without any explanation and you don't know why?"  
"I missed you, okay?!"  
I practically heard his smile.  
"I missed you too, Tilly."  
I must have grinned like an idiot when he called me that. Man, I really missed him. It took a lot of courage but I mentioned to keep talking.  
"I've heard you're in LA soon. I was wondering if uuhm... maybe..."  
He didn't even let me finish.  
"I'd love to!"  
"Yeah? I mean, okay, great."  
"I'll be there in ,like, two days or so."  
Two days. That sounds long.  
"I could pick you up at the airport."  
"I haven't been picked up at the airport for years. That'd be sweet."  
"Okay. Text me when you'll arrive and I'll be there."  
"Okay, and Tilly?"  
"Yeah?"  
"How have you been?"


	2. Some things never change

The next two days went by so fast and so disturbingly slow at the same time. I couldn't stop thinking about our call. We've actually ended up talking for almost two hours telling each other what has happened in our lives over the last few months but I didn't ask about Connor or any other possible relationship, and Troye didn't mention it.   
And here I was, overanalizing what that meant. Did he, like, know what I felt and just wanted to be nice and don't make me jealous? Or were the rumors true, that he's found someone else? He was traveling on his own, right?  
That also were the main thought bombarding my mind when I was getting ready to pick him up. Just thinking about him made me feel so weak, I really hoped that I wouldn't collapse into his arms the second I saw him.   
With one last look into the mirror I left my apartment and went outside to wait for my uber to arrive.   
I was one hell of a nerve wrack during the drive and luckily the driver wasn't interested in small talk and left me to my mind where I imagined what it would feel like to see Troye again over and over again.   
I looked at the text, Troye had send me earlier.  
Pick me up at 11 am.  
That's all it said. It worried me how short and cold the information was. No "I'm looking forward to see you."  Not even a smiley. But I couldn't blame him for being do reserved. Not after I shut him out of my life for months. Once again, I felt the urge to slap myself but I resisted it because I needed all my strength to not tell the driver to turn around and crawl into my bed until Troye would leave LA again.  
I wasn't ready when the LAX appeared outside the car and even less ready, when I stumbled out of it unsure, whether my legs could hold me. Get it together, Tyler! It's gonna be fine! I tried to calm myself down but it was hopeless. Instead, I slowly made my way inside. There was still some time left until his plane would land which only gave me more opportunity to let my mind go completely crazy.   
Am I supposed to hug him? Does he even want me to hug him? What are we going to do after he arrived? What if he only wanted someone to pick him up and doesn't even care about me? Maybe he's so tired, he just want to go to his hotel and sleep?   
I was so busy keeping my head from exploding, that I didn't realize the group of people that was hurrying toward the exit. I quickly looked at my phone. 11:45, this could be Troye's flight. Suddenly, I started shaking uncontrollably and it got worse the second I layed eyes on the gorgeous, clumsy boy making his way over to me. Damn, he's changed! And by changed I mean he became even cuter and hotter at the same time. I didn't even know, that was possible. I was still lost in my thoughts, when Troye stopped right in front of me, with an expecting expression on his eyes.   
"You just gonna stare at me or finally hug me?"  
I felt my cheeks heating up.   
"Uhm... yeah, sorry. Hi."  
I mumbled and made a step toward him, carefully wrapping my arms around him. IT FELT SO GOOD! SO DAMN GOOD! I rested my head on his chest and we just stood there until he gently pulled back. I blushed immediately , afraid that me hugging him so desperately made him feel uncomfortable. But he smiled and my heart cracked at the sight of his full lips, slightly parted and his eyes lighting up.   
"Hi, Tilly."   
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - -   
"So, uhhm. Do you, I mean, are you hungry?"  
He looked at me accusingly as if it was totally dumb of me to even ask that.   
"Of course I am."  
We awkwardly grinned at each other before he turned around and we started searching for a place to eat at the airport.   
"I can't check in to my hotel until 4pm so I have to carry my luggage until then."  
I thought about inviting him to stay at my place for the next few hours but decided to wait with that offer in case we wouldn't get along as good as I hoped.   
We decided to eat at McDonald's and after we finally found a place, Troye let himself fall onto the chair and groaned.   
"I'm so hungry but I don't know if I should take pancakes or a burger."  
Obviously, he ordered both and grinned like a ten-year-old, when he came back to the table with his totally overloaded tray. He looked so cute, I couldn't help but grin like an idiot and naturally he saw it.   
"What's so funny?"  
He raised one eyebrow but I didn't even notice, because I was still caught up in his raspy voice with that accent. This accent would be the death of me, that was for sure! It hit me, that Troye was still waiting for an answer, so I just mumbled something and quickly got up to get myself a burger.   
While I was waiting in the line I couldn't stop thinking about how we barely have spoken since Troye has arrived. Yet the atmosphere between us was a lot more natural and relaxed than I'd expected. it almost felt like before we lost contact but I could still feel that he wasn't opening up completely. But on the other hand, how would I know? Sure, he was still the same boy that used to stalk my tumblr and that fans had shipped me with, but at the same time he wasn't. He seemed so mature now. Not only did he actually look like an adult instead of an 12-year-old, but he also was fucking famous now. i mean, he always was, but now he was ,like, famous-famous and not just youtube-famous. He was a fucking star now. And still he made time to meet you. I smiled warmly at that thought but got interrupted when the girl in front of me got her order and it was my time.  
As I got back to our table Troye was sitting there, eating his pancake with the most content smile at his lips. I laughed. He's so easy to satisfy! Troye looked up when he heard me approaching and looked at me questioningly.   
"What is it?"  
"Hu?"  
"You look like you just got a pony."   
His cringe worthy comparison only made me grin even harder.   
"I don't know", I answered, "It's just... some things never change."


	3. I´m glad you texted me

We ate in silence, both busy with our food but we shared some glazes over the table and Troye smiled every time our eyes met. Still, I felt a little uncomfortable regarding the fact that we haven't seen each other in such a long time and still didn't seem to have much to talk about. However, I enjoyed the sight of his brown locks that fell into his face, nothing like the quiff he used to have. How was it possible for someone to look even better, when they apparently didn't put any effort into it? All I wanted to do was to stroke his hair out of his face and feel those soft, plumb lips on mi - Stop!   
I tried to concentrate on my food and not on the gorgeous boy sitting right in front of me. I really need to concentrate! But damn, that was easier said than done!   
I looked up just to meet Troye's eyes with mine and he smiled almost shyly which really wasn't usual for him. At least not around me. In general I missed his cocky comments on everything and the way he used to tease me. I wasn't sure how to feel about this whole situation but I surely knew that I'd better make the best out of the little time we'd have together.   
"So how's the tour going?"  
It was the best, I could think of and it actually worked pretty well, as Troye started talking about how crazy it was to be on tour again and how his whole life felt like a dream. His eyes lit up and he talked with so much passion in his voice, it inevitably made me smile. After that we finally began to actually talk and even though we both avoided any deep topics, I felt the connection between us slowly building up again. After I complimented his new hair style, I even got a glance at the old Troye, when he said that my unstyled hair made me look like a puppy. A cute puppy though, as he added with a wink, which didn't really make it better but I didn't care as long as I got my sassy, teasing Troye back.   
In the meantime he had finished eating - way earlier than me even though he had ordered a lot more - and now was watching me interested as I tried my best not to cover myself in bbq sauce and ketchup.   
"Stop watching me!"  
I mumbled with a full mouth. But to be honest I couldn't care less, in fact I even enjoyed the tingly feeling his look left on my skin but I would never say that out loud. He just smiled widely and when I quickly looked away that smiled turned into a smirk. He didn't stop staring at me though and the tension between us became more noticeable until I couldn't stand it any longer. I felt like Troye knew exactly what his presence was doing with me and I couldn't figure out whether or not he liked that. He was distant and quiet on the one hand but cute and almost flirty on the other... I had no chance to end this thought as he interrupted me.  
"You really should swallow."  
"Hu?!!"  
I almost choked as it took me a second to realize that he was talking abut the bite of my burger in my mouth that I had totally forgotten about. I must have looked pretty funny because Troye cackled up laughing and I couldn't help but start laughing myself. It felt nice to just laugh off the tension between us and when we finally stopped we both were crying of laughter.   
"I hate you, Toyesivan."   
"You could never."  
He grinned, knowing that he was right. I rolled my eyes.  
"Shut up."   
We decided to get up and drive to my apartment until it was time for Troye to go to his hotel. I took his backpack while he was pulling his suitcase and we left the airport where our Uber already was waiting for us.  
The drive was silent and at some point Troye fell asleep leaning against the door on his side of the car. He looked even cuter when he was sleeping and his quiet snoring that would annoy me if it was anyone else was adorable on him and I had to use all my will power to keep myself from running my hands through his soft looking hair. When we arrived in my street he was still sleeping and I gently stroked his shoulder, whispering his name.   
"Time to wake up, sleepy head."  
He groaned and didn't show any signs of being awake, so I carefully shook his arm until he simply slapped me by quickly lifting his hand without opening is eyes. I squealed as his hand hit my face.   
"Troye, stop fucking hitting me!"  
This time it worked, he finally opened his eyes, a look of pure horror on them.   
"I hit you? I'm so sorry, Tilly, I didn't mean to."  
That's the first time he called me Tilly today.  
"I know, and it really didn't hurt, don't worry about it."   
I smiled at him reassuringly and he smiled back.   
"Okay, let's go inside." 

 

"You still have that carpet?", Troye grinned pointing into the living room as he was standing in the corridor, looking around curiously.  
"Yes. And there's still paint on it from the face painting video we did."   
He smiled.   
"That was, like, ages ago."  
"I know, right?"   
We both smiled thinking about the time we filmed that video when Troye lowered his voice and almost whispered:  
"I'm really glad you texted me."  
I smiled so hard, I was afraid my jaw was going to break.   
"Me too, babe."


	4. I have to think about it

"Do you want anything?", I asked pointing toward the kitchen. But Troye didn't even look at me. Instead, he walked straight up to my sofa where he let himself fall down and closed his eyes the very second his body hit the brown fabric. He snuggled against one of the pillows and sighed happily. It was adorable and I couldn't resist to take out my phone and make a picture of him trying to roll his long body into a ball. I decided to give him some time to rest and went into my kitchen to get him a glass of water that I placed on the table in front of him.   
"Do you want to sleep? You can have my bed if you want to and I can wake you up in like an hour."  
He opened his eyes and faced me, shaking his head.  
"I don't want to waste our time together by sleeping. Let's just..talk?"  
I nodded insecurely and set down next to him. I didn't want him to realize how uneasy he made me feel but I just couldn't bring myself to say anything. After an awkward silence it was him who started talking.  
"Why did you stop texting me and answering my calls? I know, you were busy but so was I and we used to be so close! You know, I really could've needed a good friend lately."  
He looked at me and his eyes were so serious, almost cold. I swallowed hard, not sure what I should tell him. Just say it. I screamed at myself but, again, the fear over weighted.  
"I guess it's how they say; out of sight, out of mind. We didn't see each other and I concentrated on the people who were actually there in my life."  
It wasn't until I saw the look on his face that it hit me how selfish and mean that sounded.   
"I, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."  
But it was too late. I've hurt Troye and he would never forgive me. He probably hated me now. I was such a dick. Damn it, Tyler. Troye actually looked kind of sad but most of all angry.   
"Why would you say something like that? I've always been there for you and it isn't my fault that I live on the other side of the world."   
He stared at me until I couldn't stand it any longer and jumped onto my feet. I started pacing around in front of him and tried to prepare myself for what I was about to say.  
"I lied. You never were out of my mind. Not one fucking day. But it hurt so much, seeing you with Connor and not realizing that what we had was so special. We were so close, Troye. I really thought we were meant to be together but apparently you didn't see it. I couldn't stand seeing you happy with someone else, okay? Are you happy now? I'm a selfish bitch. Is that what you wanted to hear?"  
I screamed the last sentence but then my voice cracked as tears started filling into my eyes. Troye just stared at me in disbelief with something in his eyes that I couldn't define. Anger? Sadness? I tried to concentrate and get my breathing under control but every time I calmed down a bit I looked at Troye and his puzzled look made me cry again. I don't know, how long I was standing in front of the sofa but it must have been a while because suddenly Troye got up and said:  
"It's almost 4 pm, I should go."   
"You can't just leave now."   
It came out sounding even more desperate than I intended. He turned around and looked at me, slowly coming closer until I could feel his trembling breath against my hair.   
"I have to... I don't know... think about it. Okay?"  
He frowned. After a break he added quietly:  
"I mean, do you still feel the same?"  
He looked at me and our eyes met for the first time in hours. Unable to say anything I slowly nodded just to feel tears streaming into my eyes once again. His look softened and he pulled me into his arms.   
"I'm sorry, Tilly. I had no idea."  
Something told me that he wasn't being completely honest but I didn't have any strength left to think about it. I let my head sink against his chest, breathing in the sweet, unique scent that hadn't changed since the last time I saw him.


	5. Do you want to stay?

I don't know how long we stood there. Troye's arms wrapped around my shoulders, my head against his chest. But what I know is that all day long there hasn't been one moment where I felt more connected to him than now, leaning against him. Eventually, he gently stroked my hair and pulled back, leaving his hands on my shoulders to keep me up. I had run out of tears a while ago and my sobbing had turned into silent whimpering that stopped when he looked at me and reached for my face. I breathed in sharply as his thumb touched my cheek and brushed away a single tear that hasn't tried yet.  
"I'm sorry." I whispered barely audible but he answered immediately.   
"Don't be." His voice cracked and it was the most beautiful and hurtful thing I've ever heard. I took a long, trembling breath and looked into his eyes, those beautiful, deep blue eyes, that were looking right back into mine. My brain had been turned off the second our eyes met and now I was simply staring at the most beautiful boy in pure awe trying to get the control over my mind back.   
It was to no use, I was lost in his eyes like I used to be, but this time I felt like for once there actually was a chance that he was feeling the same. The way he looked at me took my breath away and left me unable to form a clear thought. His eyes so full of love, it hurt. How could anyone be such an angel? It should be illegal to be so perfect, so pure.   
That was the last thing on my mind before I saw him closing his eyes and slowly leaning in just to stop only centimeters before his lips would touch mine. I layed one hand on the back of his head, pulling him closer until our lips touched for a soft, innocent kiss. I could barely feel his full lips against mine, like a feather caressing me softly. Still it made me gasp, made me feel so many things at once that I was afraid to just drown or explode because my body couldn't take it. His piercing tickled against my nose and I could feel his hands tracing up and down my back, holding me close as if his life depended on me. Suddenly, he felt too far away and I pressed myself against him feeling him doing the same. We stood there as close as physically possible until we both needed air and reluctantly parted.   
Troye's eyes seemed darker now and he looked at me in a mixture of longingness and fear. We both were breathing heavily, unable to say something that could possibly capture what we were both feeling. After a few seconds, I found my voice again.  
"Do you want to... stay tonight?"  
His eyes widened. In surprise? Why can't I just keep my fucking mouth shut sometimes?! He has to think I'm totally desperate and I didn't even mean it like that? Or did I? Am I just arguing with myself? Ahh get your shit together, Tyler!  
"I mean, you know, just to.. talk." I added nervously as an attempt to save the situation.  
"Okay."  
I looked at him surprised and he simply smiled, showing off his perfect, white teeth. Still, I could feel that he wasn't as relaxed as he tried to seem. The smile didn't reach his eyes and his forehead was laying in deep folds. I felt the urge to kiss him again and tell him, that everything was fine but I was afraid he would hold me back, now that he was thinking clearly again. So instead, I helplessly stroked his shoulder awkwardly and smiled reassuringly which didn't work at all. Actually, it only lead to him being even more tense and eventually stepping back to sit down on my sofa. The whole situation was so unreal, as I was torn between pure happiness because of the kiss and pure fear of what was about to happen. Would he realize that the kiss was a mistake? I didn't even know whether he was in a relationship. Oh my god, what if he actually had a boyfriend? What if he was still dating Connor???  
I tried not to let Troye see what was going on inside me but clearly failed because he looked at me with a worried expression on his face.   
"Was it that bad?"  
"What?" he totally caught me off guard and my voice sounded so shrill, I immediately wanted to slap myself.  
"The kiss. You look mortified. Am I such a bad kisser?"   
The way he pronounced kissaah made me smile for a second before I realized that he had just asked me something.  
"Hell no!" I answered a little too fast and a little too loud and Troye chuckled amused while I was whishing to disappear forever. He smirked adorably but sexy at the same time (as I said, he should be illegal!) and whispered:  
"You're not that bad yourself."  
I grinned so hard, my cheeks hurt.   
\- - - -   
The tension between us started to clear up after we had started talking and joking around without directly mentioning the kiss again. Troye called the hotel to let them know that he wouldn't check in before tomorrow and we decided to order pizza, as we used to do all the time when he was being in LA the last time. Even though the atmosphere was way more comfortable and easy now there still was something standing between us as we hadn't talked about the kiss or our feelings about it. I was dying to know if it has been a one time thing to comfort me or if it actually meant more to him, which, as the afternoon went by, I doubted more and more. After the pizza has arrived and we sat down on the sofa, each with a glass of red wine, I tried to lead the conversation into the direction it should have been gone hours ago.  
"So, uhm, how's Connor?"   
Troye almost looked angry as if he didn't want to ruin the good time we were just having, but my insisting look seemed to convince him to answer.  
"He's good.", he said, quickly taking another bite of his pizza. "I haven't seen him in a while though."   
I tried not to look too happy about that information and mantained a serious face.  
"How does that come?"  
With another death-stare, Troye answered:  
"Look, I'm not really happy talking about this but I guess you have the right to know, so... Connor and I were never dating. Not really. I mean, we were just travelling, having fun, we never felt the need to put a label on it. It's more our fans who actually made it a thing. I love him as a friend and yeah... it was a fun time."   
Wow, I didn't see that coming. I tried to keep a straight face (and we all know, I'm not good at anything involving 'straight').  
"So what exactly do you mean by you were 'having fun'?'" Obviously, I just wanted to tease Troye as I knew exactly what he meant. And to my own surprise, it didn't really bother me.  
Troye rolled his eyes theatralically. "Watch out, they might just stay up there."  
"You know, what I mean, shut up, Tyler."   
I grinned.I had totally forgotten how much fun teasing Troye was.  
"Someone'e being sassy today."  
After another deathly eyeroll, I decided to give him a break and concentratet on my food again.   
"What about you? Are you... seeing anyone?"   
"Well right now all I see is you and this delicious pizza if that's what you mean."  
"Okay, let me ask you again. Do you have a boyfriend?"  
I gave him my are-you-fucking-kidding-me-look and shook my head.  
"Me neither."   
After that we both ate quietly until we were done and decided to watch a movie. We spent what felt like hours on Netflix, trying to find something that we both haven't watched yet and when we finally decided for a movie, we didn't even pay attention to it. Now that at least part of the awkwardness has been taken out of our situaton, we couldn't stop talking and joking around just like we used to do. Well, not exactly like we used to, some things were different! For example the way Troye's eyes lit up when I tickled him or the way too confident smirk on his face when I didn't have a good comeback. Without me noticing it, the movie ended and we decided to go to bed as Troye would have a show the next day and didn't get much sleep the last night.   
Naturally, we were both going to sleep in my bed and I didn't put too much thought into it, as we've known each other for so long and slept in the same bed for several times. We both were the kind of persons, who love cuddling and we used to cuddle together all the time. Onehundret percent platonic, obviously! But now, with the kiss and the flirty smirks happening, I wasn't sure if tonight it would be that platonic after all. At least not for me.


	6. awesome

I gave him one of my spare toothbrushes that I always had a stack of in my bathroom cabinet. Just in case, you know?  
After we brushed our teeth I went into my bedroom and tucked myself under the blanket to wait for Troye. He came in a few minutes later wearing a loose shirt and sweatpants. I smiled at him and he laid down next to me, snuggling against me.   
He fell asleep immediately but I didn' t want to waste the time and just laid there smiling against his hair until I, too, drifted away to sleep with the biggest smile on my face.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - -  
When I woke up, Troye was still sleeping, his head resting on my chest. Carefully, not to wake him up, I blowed a soft kiss on his hair and took a deep breath of his unique scent, a mixture of shampoo, sea salt spray and a note I couldn't define.  
It was 8 am, way too early for Troye, so I decided to make breakfast and let him sleep.

Concentrated on the pancakes in front of me, I didn't hear Troye approach as he suddenly wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin in my shoulder so he could see what I was cooking.   
"Mmh, pancakes. Do we have Nutella?"  
"I don't know, Troye. Do we have Nutella?"  
He smacked my head at my sarcastic question and stepped back from me just to start searching through all my kitchen drawers for the chocolate cream that he was so obsessed with. After a few minutes he cheered in triumph and placed a glass of Nutella next to me.  
"Em, I have no idea how old this is. You probably shouldn't eat it."  
He stared at me as if I was completely insane.  
"It's Nutella. I'm gonna eat it."  
With that great logic he started the coffee machine, totally making himself a home. With anyone else that would have bothered me but not with Troye. It felt so natural having him here and I loved how he seemed to intuitively know where I had what in my kitchen. While he was waiting for the first mug to fill he started singing. At first it was quiet and unnoticeable but soon he was totally lost in the song, slightly dancing to it like the gay noodle he was.   
I really tried to focus on the pancakes but he was so adorable, I ended up staring at him with a wide smile until he suddenly turned around.  
"Tillyy, the pan."  
"What?"  
"The pan, dumbass. It stinks."  
Ooops. The pancake was completely black and a disgusting smell that I only noticed now filled the kitchen. In my panic I grabbed the pan with my bare hands and pushed it of the stove, leaving my hands red and bruised.   
"Oh, Tyler, hat are you doing?"  
Troye literally screamed and pushed me towards the sink where he held my hands under cold water.   
"I, I'm sorry.", I mumbled, still a bit shocked and not really registering what was going on. At least not until the pain started to come trough. Ouch.   
"Don't be sorry, silly."  
He smiled at me and it made the pain so much more bearable right away. He gently started stroking my back and tickling my arm as I always used to do it to him when we were spending more time together. It almost made the pain worth it. I looked at my hands and was shocked as they both were covered in red and purple blisters.  
"Oh, Tilly, are you okay?" His voice was filled with empathy and he truly sounded so caring, it made my heart jump a bit.  
"Yeah I'm fine." I lied. He didn't buy it.  
"Do you want to come to my show tonight?"  
I laughed a bit.   
"Troye, I'm not a little kid at the dentist, you don't have to cheer me up."  
"But I want to."  
We locked eyes for a second.  
"I'd love to come! It could be like, you know, like in old times."  
"Yeah, like in old times."  
\- - - - - - -   
I was sitting in the still empty hall while Troye had his soundcheck. It was awesome, whatching him warm up and rehearsing what he wanted to say during the show. When he was finished I clapped slowly, making him adorably roll his eyes.  
Just when the show was about to start I hugged him one last time and wished him good luck before I made my way to the VIP balcony as I wanted to enjoy the show without people recognizing me all the time.  
Troye was awesome as always. I don't even know how many times I have seen him live by now but I loved it everytime.  
The crowd was screaming as he finished singing "wild" and he waited for them to calm down before he started speaking.  
"Okay guys, I'm having a great time. I hope you too." He was interupted by loud screams and had to wait once again. "Good. So this next song is dedicated to someone very special who actually is here tonight. I won't say his name but i think he knows that I mean him."   
He winked into the direction of the balcony I was standing on. And I was dying. Well, not really, but almost! I couldn't hold my tears back, as he started singing the first few notes of "for him". That song I had barely ever listened to because I always was convinced that it was meant to be for Connor. But now I had my doubts about that. The moment was so magical and it got even more unreal when I heard him sing a verse that I never heard before. Did he just make this up??  
I didn't really register the words but it was something with "used to be best friends" and "now we're so much more" and I just stood there sobbing and smiling like an idiot. When he finished I screamed so loud and clapped so hard I didn't even feel my hands that where still burning like hell (no pun intended).  
The crowd completely lost it and head turned, looking for this mysterious person Troye had been singing to. I quickly hid behind the railing and hoped that no one would see me there. Slowly, the screaming died down and changed into excited mumbles with a lot af "Troyler"s and "Tronnor"s in it. At some point a girl screamed "Connor, is it you?" But -what a surprise- didn't get an answer.  
Troye was trying his best to get the audience's attention again but it took two more songs until everyone was as calm as before.  
Way too soon the show was over and Troye said his goodbyes. It was awesome how connected he seemed to be with his fans.   
I decided to quickly go backstage before the people would start leaving the hall so I literally sprinted through the corridors until I arrived behind the stage where Troye was sitting.  
He smiled at me insecurely but relaxed as soon as he saw the grin on my face.   
"You were awesome, babe, that was... awesome."  
I stuttered, feeling tears filling into my eyes again.  
Troye jumped up and pulled me close, looking at me concerned.  
"Are you okay? Why are you crying? Is it your hands?"  
"No, I'm just... that was so beautiful."  
"Ooh."  
He sighed relieved.   
"I made that up on stage."  
"Wow, that is awesome. You are... awesome."   
Apparently I couldn't think of another word right now but Troye simply smiled at me.  
"I'm glad you liked it! Because I think you're pretty awesome, too."


	7. I´m sorry

After the show Troye decided to go meet up with the crew for a couple drinks and dinner but all I wanted to do was to put my hands into the fridge and sleep. Maybe not at the same time.  
The appartement seemed empty and cold without Troye and I tried not to think about the fact that he would leave again soon. He had decided to stay at mine tonight because we had totally forgotten to bring his stuff to the hotel. I was really happy about that but also afraid it might make the parting even harder.   
I took a shower and snuggled into bed with my laptop to watch some netflix when my phone rang.  
"Hello?"  
"Hi, Tyler, it's me." His australian accent made me smile immediately.  
"I never would have guessed."  
He giggled a little too much for me not to get suspicious.  
"Shut up. Just wanted to let you know that I'll be back soon, so maybe you're still awake then and we could hang out? I see my crew every day but I want to fully use the time with you."   
His voice was sluring and even hard to understand.  
"Are you drunk?"  
"Hahaha noooo."  
He started laughing and it sounded so adorable I couldn't help but laugh, too, even though I really wasn't in the mood for anything but sleep right now. But I couldn't bring myself to let him see that and decided to cover my annoyedness(I know ths isn't a word, lol) with humor.  
"You are drunk. My little baby boy is drunk. I think I've never seen you drunk before, actually."  
"Wait, you see me? Where are you? Come say hi."  
"Trooye, I'm at home. So if you want to come, come."  
"Hehe, if I want to cooome, huh?"  
I rolled my eyes. Troye was such a dork.  
"Whatever, I'll be here.", I said and hung up. That was going to be a fun night. Not.  
\- - - - -   
It didn't take long until I heard my bell ring. Taking a deep breath to prepare myself for drunk Troye I opened.  
He grinned like a fucking puppy.  
"Hey, Tilly."  
"Come in."  
To be honest I was still a little annoyed that he would waste our almost last night by getting drunk but he was so adorable as he slowly walked in and when he pulled me into a bone-crashing hug I forgot about it immediately.  
After a few seconds I pulled back and looked at him. How could someone be so perfect yet so unaware of it? Or was he aware of it and just pulled the adorable dork number to get to people? But let's be real, you can't insinuate this little noodle to do anything but being nice and wonderful and honest all the time.   
My thought were -once again- interrupted when Troye came closer again just to push his lips against mine. It was nothing like the kiss we had shared yesterday. It was hard and demanding.  
For way too long I let him continue, unable to pull away but when my conscious hit in again I placed my hands on his chest and gently pushed him away.   
He looked at me confused but I needed a second to find my voice again.   
"I don't know if you really want this, Troye. Your drunk and maybe lonely and I confessed my love to you so how do I know that you're not just taking advantage of the situation?"  
The hurt expression in his eyes felt like a stab into my heart but I knew that I needed to stay strong or otherwise the pain might be a lot worse when he decided to leave later on.  
"I...I'm not that drunk."  
"Maybe you're not but I'm not doing this right now."  
Silence filled the room.  
"Do you want to watch a movie or something?", I added after a break.  
He kept staring at me with an expression that I couldn't name but eventually gave in and nodded.  
"Sure."  
We awkwardly walked to the sofa and Troye excused himself to the bathroom. Shorty after, he appeared in sweat pants and an oversized shirt. How is it possible to look so cool in clothes like that? I don't know but Troye did!  
He sat down next to me and I could see in his eyes that he wasn't sure what to do, so I grabbed his hand and pulled him between my legs so he could rest his head against my chest.   
Even though an episode of Stranger Things was on that I haven't seen before I couldn't pay attention to the screen. Not with Troye's hair right in front of me and his sweet scent tickling my noise. He seemed to have similar problems because his head was turned away from the tv, pointing towards the window when he almost whispered:  
"I'm sorry."  
I wasn't sure if I were supposed to hear it or if he just was thinking out loud. But then he turned around so he faced me and repeated it.  
"I'm sorry."  
I could see the pain in his eyes and it broke my heart. I didn't want him to be sad. Never.  
"What for?"  
"I'm sorry for not knowing what I want. I love you, Tyler. I really do. But I never... I never really thought about you in, you know, that way."  
I didn't know what to say so I stayed silent until he continued spaking.  
"Or maybe I have. and maybe I just tried to suppress those thoughts because we were best friends and never would I have done anything that could possibly threaten that friendship. But then we stopped talking and I missed you so bad and I started thinking, wondering what could have been. But it was too late and now I'm here and happy and sad and confused and I don't know what to think."   
I had stopped breathing out of fear to miss something but eventually I needed air and gasped right when Troye stopped speaking. He looked at me with something between surprise and amusement.   
"I um, that wasn't... I mean, I don't know what to say."  
He uncomfortably changed position until he kneed next to me and our eyes met when he gently placed one hand on the back of my neck, causing goose bumps to build up all over my body. I shivered when he came closer and moved his mouth to my ear. I could feel his breath against my neck and he whispered:  
"Then you could just... you know... kiss me so we can find out."


	8. Is it now?

I already hated myself for what I was about to do but I just couldn't stay serious.  
"Did you really just say that?", I literally squealed.  
Troye looked at me in shock when I started laughing like crazy.  
"I'm... hahaha...I'm sorry..."  
He raised an eyebrow.  
"So that's funny to you?"  
"No, no it was actually quite hot, I'm just an asshole who destroyed the situation."  
He smirked.   
"So you think I'm hot?"  
"The question is who doesn't think that?"  
"Oh that's cute, Tilly."  
I guess he didn't understand that I was being serious.  
"No for real, Troye. Look at you. Why would someone like you want someone like me?"  
He heard the disgust in my voice when I was talking about myself. Of course he did. He was too fucking perfect. How would he not notice?! Damnit, why do I have to be so obvious all the time?   
The look of pity he gave me killed me. He straightened himself and I knew what was about to come.   
"You are beautiful, Tyler. You are so beautiful and people tell you this all the time! Sometimes you just have to believe them."  
He suddenly didn't seem to be that drunk after all and gently started caressing my hair until he rested his thumb on my cheek and forced me to look up.  
Our eyes met and what I saw in his wasn't pity anymore. It was love. Or was that just me reflekting my feelings on to him?  
"Troye..." I whispered but my mouth was too dry and my voice too heavy to continue speaking.  
Instead I closed the little space left between our lips and connected them.   
It wasn't our first kiss but it was the first one that really mattered.  
The sensation of his soft lips against mine and his hands in my hair gave me goosebumps and made me feel funny inside. He tasted like alcohol but I didn't care. My mind was occupied with one single thought:  
I am kissing Troye. I am kissing Troye. I am kissing Troye. I am kissing Troye.  
We didn't stop for way too long until our lips were dry and our lungs empty.  
I slowly opened my eyes unwilling to leave the state of total ease Troye's kiss made me feel. But I had to ask him.  
"So what are we going to do now? I mean, you are supposed to be in San Fran in a few days."  
Troye shrugged and grinned at me   
"Then why don't you just come with me?"  
I looked at him in disbelief.  
"Close your mouth or you'll catch flies. I mean it, Ty. This is my last show for who knows how long and my family's gonna be there. You know they love you!"  
I smiled at the thought of seeing the Mellet family again. I actually kinda missed them!   
"Is Jagga gonna be there?"  
He rolled his eyes.  
"Of course, Tylah. Of course we fly her to America and put her through quarantine for weeks just so she can be there for two days."  
The amount of sarcasm he managed to put in his voice was quite impressive. I made a sad face and thought about his offer. I would love to be there on the last show! But I had to film another video for my show and didn't even have a guest yet....but what if...? No, he wouldn't want to? Or would he?  
"Do you want to come on the Tyler Oakley show?"  
I blurted out before I could stop myself.  
My question obviously caught him off guard as he looked pretty surprised.  
"Are you being serious?"  
"Yeah, why not? People love you. And like that I would have time to come to San Fran with you."  
He smiled at the compliment but then his expression became more serious again.  
"You know that would mean that Troyler comes up again."  
I haven't thought about that. But I didn't really care though. But on the other hand it could make things awkward for us. But it was the perfect solution....  
"We handled it before."  
I finally reminded him.  
"Yeah, but Troyler wasn't real back then."  
I smiled.  
"Is it now?"  
"You tell me, Tilly."  
He smirked adorably and winked. That wink killed me every time.  
I wasn't sure what to say, so I changed the subject again.  
"Well, whatever, what do you think? About the show I mean."  
"If you're okay with it I'd love to."  
He giggled like a ten-year-old and I remembered just now that he was srill drunk even though he seemed a lot more sober than earlier tonight.  
I clapped my hands in excitement.  
"Okay then we have to film tomorrow if you really want me to come to San Francisco with you."  
Troye nodded not that excited and I knew that it was because he knew that that meant he'd have to wake up pretty early tomorrow.  
"We should go to sleep now. Or at least you should!"  
He groaned and wanted to protest but then apparently decided that it was too much effort and just gave in.  
"Carry me to bed?"  
I know he didn't mean it but I stood up and wrappend my arms around him to pick him up carefully.  
He giggled and started waving his limbs like a bug lying on its back.  
"Stop or I'm gonna drop you."  
"I'm way too big, Tyler, put me down."  
"You are tall but you're also only bones so it's fine."  
He seemed more or less convinced as he tightly wrapped his arms around me und nuzzled his face against my neck. His nose tickled my neck and I had to concentrate not to laugh.  
Slowly I made my way to the bedroom and when we reached the bed I tried to lean forward and lay Troye onto it which probably would have worked if I had any sense of balance.  
But the clumsy person I was I simply fell on the bed with him. Or on top of him to be spezific.  
He groaned unpleased but didn't seem to bother too much as he just kept his eyes closed and smiled.   
I quickly got up and apologized but he took my hands and pulled me back.  
This time I layed down next to him because I was truly worried for his fragile porzellan body.  
"Cuddle with me."  
He mumbled against my shoulder and I obeyed happily.   
He rested his head on my chest and I wrapped my arms around him, softly stroking his back lost in thoughts until I fell asleep.


	9. the last few months

I woke up to Troye snoring quietly and his arms wrapped around me. It was 6 am and I knew that I should wake him up but I couldn't bring myself to do so. He looked so adorable and peaceful, how could I possibly destroy that? But we had to be at the studio soon so I gently shook him and whispered his name. Doing that I found myself wondering how this had happened. How was it possible that Troye was sleeping in my bed, snuggled against me, when we hadn't talked in months before the last days? It was so surreal and it made me happy but also anxious. Wasn't this all a little too perfect? Too easy? But actually it wasn't easy. I had no idea, what we were now, Troye and I, or what was going to happen next. We weren't dating, were we? No, we only realized that we had mutual feelings for one another and had kissed a few times. Damn, that kiss yesterday though...  
I was so occupied by my thought that I didn't even realize how Troye started moving and groaning unwillingly until a pillow landed on me. Did Troye just throw a pillow on me?!  
"Hey, that wasn't nice! You have to wake up now. "  
His answer wasn't more than a tired mumble.  
"You're not nice."  
"Come on, you want me to come to your last show with you, right? So we have to do this today."  
It took him a while to answer.  
"Okaaay... I'll get up."  
With that he streched his long body and yawned, making me yawn, too. I smiled and decided to make him some coffee and breakfast because I knew that that never failed to make him happy.  
In some way he still was the cute little boy he used to be. The one that had a sassy comment for everything and winked in the middle of a conversation. But on the other side he wasn't. And that made me realize how much time I had missed. I would never know when he stopped wearing his hair in a quiff. I just knew that at some point he did. I almost felt like a dad who missed a part of his child's life but in a much more friendship-ish way. If you could call what we had a friendship.  
Surprisingly it didn't take long for Troye to appear in the kitchen. He looked still sleepy with his hair all messed up and his eyes halfway closed but when he saw that I was making coffee the corners of his lips lifted into a cute little smile.  
"I have to make coffee for you one day."  
I looked at him critiqually.  
"You know that my coffee is the best."  
He smiled cockily.  
"Yeah, well, it used to be the best but I had a lot of practice over the last few months."  
After that we fell into an uncomfortable silence thinking about "the last few months". Somehow the atmosphere in the kitchen had changed from happy and excited for the day to what exactly are we doing here in the matter of seconds. Troye looked at the coffee machine, obviously trying to avoid eye contact, until I gently laid my hand on his shoulder and started speaking.  
"Look, I know this is very awkward. Like, I don't know how to handle the situation. It's been so long and we both changed but being with you brings out the old Tyler in me. I just don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing. But what I know is that I've missed you and stop talking to you was the biggest mistake I've ever made. I feel like we have so much to sort out between us and so much to talk about but I'm afraid that if we do that the old Tyler and the old Troye will be gone forever. And what if the new Troye doesn't like the new Tyler? What if this right now is just us living in the past that we missed?"  
I wasn't sure if I was making any sense but Troye nodded reluctantly at my outburst. Then, finally, he looked up and our eyes met.  
"I feel the same way. Maybe we should just try to enjoy the little time we have together. And then we can still decide whether or not...." he made a gesture between us. "this could be something."  
The coffee machine started beeping and I was relieved to have an excuse to escape the tense situation to fill two mugs. I placed one on the counter in front of Troye and handed him milk, cornflakes and a bowl. He looked at the cornflakes as if I just gave him an alien.  
"Don't you have any good cereals?"  
"Sorry that's all I have."  
"They are unsweetened. How do you eat this? Do you have sugar?"  
He ended up pouring an insane amount of sugar into his bowl but apparently the outcome was satisfying as he ate up in no time. I didn't have breakfast beside the coffee which seemed to concern him.  
"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day."  
I rolled my eyes and wanted to say that he used to tell me that all the time but decided better not to mention anything reminding him of that time.  
"I bet it's still healthier not to eat anything than eating half a bowl of pure sugar."  
He only shrugged and took a sip of his coffee.  
We started talking about ideas for the show and decided to do a remake of on of his most popular videos: the beer pong challenge. I still had the things to put the cups in and this time we could actually use beer for both of us. Troye suggested that we should watch the old video again for inspiration and because we had some time left before we needed to leave I agreed.  
It was a horrible mistake!  
Looking back it seemed so obvious how much I liked him and I felt like, now that he knew, it was obvious to him, too. We watched the video in total silence, not even a giggle at us being cringey. I was too afraid to even look at Troye so I just started right at the screen and concentrated on trying not to blush. But when the Tyler in the video mentioned Connor I couldn't keep cool and started laughing anxiously. It wasn't funny and I didn't want to laugh but I couldn't stop. Troye looked at me as if I had lost my mind (which I obviously have) and I helplessly shrugged unable to explain my own behavior. The rest of the video went by pretty fast and as soon as it was over I jumped up and said that we needed to leave now. I felt the urge to move and to get out that tension and uncontrollable energy of my body but the short way to my car didn't help much.  
In the car turned on music immediately to distract myself from Troye's questioning looks.  
Shortly after I pulled onto the road he turned down the volume and said:  
"What is wrong, Tyler? Why did the video upset you that much?"  
I didn't want to answer and had no idea what to to say but a quick glance at his demanding face told me that I had no choice.  
"I don't know. It just makes me so sad that i lost you and Connor as friends just because i couldn't deal with my emotions. And I don't understand why you would pick me over him."  
"I mean, if you even pick me. I don't even know what I'm saying.", I quickly added.  
In the meantime we had arrived at the studios and I parked the car but we didn't get out yet. Troye unfastened his seat belt and leaned towards me, stroking my back with one hand.   
"I pick you because you are beautiful. Because you are funny and smart and you know what you want. You lost a friend, almost two, because you decided that it was right for you. In a weird way that is very brave and proves how much I mean to you. Which is ironic because you almost lost me, too. But you decided to reach out again and that's what counts right? That you didn't want to lose me?"  
His eyes were filled with hope and doubt, a mixture that didn't suit him well. all I wanted to do was pull him into my arms and tell him that he was right but I was paralyzed under his gentle strokes. So I didn't move and only said:  
"That's right. I don't want to lose you, babe."  
He smiled and pulled his hand back just to move even closer and wrap his arms around me. After minutes that felt like seconds he pulled back and nodded at me encouraging.  
"Let's go in then. it's gonna be fun."


	10. beer pong

An hour later we were sitting in the studio, the inflatable cupholders on our heads and filled cups with beer while I was interviewing Troye.  
"So, Troye, how has touring for so long been? Don't you miss home?"  
"It's been great. My family was with me for most of the time so that was great and it made me feel like home on the road. I guess after over a year of touring I managed to make myself a home wherever I am. But I do miss Australia and my friends."  
We had filled all cups by now and carefully put them on each others head.  
Troye tried to balance the cups by holding his head completely still. He looked like a turtle and it remembered me of the last time we did this. But I didn't want to think about that now.   
"Yeah, that's great!"  
I said just to say something.  
Troye smiled and took the ball I gave him.  
"You're the guest. Start!"  
He awkwardly threw the ball in the air, it landed not even near my head.  
"Ah, damnit, I used to be better at this."  
"Yeah, because you were a little cheater back then."  
He ignored me and continued speaking but this time into the camera.  
"Wanna know a little secret? When we did this first I had beer in my cups."  
"Troye!!" I slapped him but he only laughed.  
"What? They already guessed, have you read the comments under that video?"  
"No, have you?"  
"Yes! It's only people shipping us and people saying that I probably used beer."  
An uncomfortable silence followed. What was it with Troye's cockiness today?!  
"It's your turn." Troye finally said and handed me another ball. I gladly took the distraction but poorly failed to get the ball into one of his cups. Trying not to let myself getting annoyed by that I decided to keep asking him questions.  
"So, uhm, we have a few questions that fans sent in on twitter so I'm gonna ask you some of those."  
"Sure."  
"Okay, so the first one is: Do you even remember me? and it's from... your dog Jagga."  
Troye laughed out loud at this.  
"Of course I remember Jagga! And I can't wait to see you again soon!"  
He threw another ball and this time the ball actually landed in one of my cups. He nestled it out of the cupholder as my motion was kind of limited if I didn't want to poor the beer out.  
"Thanks." I took a sip of the cold beer that felt nicely refreshing on my lips.  
I spent way too long scanning the question I'd received for one that wasn't about Troyler or Tracob or Tronnor but failed. Fear started to build up in my chest. what was I supposed to do now? I couldn't just make a question up. Troye catched up that something wasn't right immediately.  
"What's wrong?"  
"Uh, nothing, it's just that all these questions are kinda personal, you know?"  
"Oh, uhm, just ask them and maybe I'll answer, maybe not."  
I gave him an are-you-sure?-look but he only nodded encouraging. Okay, whatever, I thought and read the next question on the screen in front of me.  
"Okay, so everyone, and I mean everyone wants to know why we haven't been seen together for so long."  
Shit. I guess I should have read the question before saying it out loud. Luckily this wasn't a live show!  
I looked at Troye who didn't say anything but just looked right back at me with an expression I couldn't define. Was he sad? Mad? Happy? I had no idea. but I suddenly felt the need to say something. Not for the camera. Just for him.  
"I'm sorry."  
It came out as nothing more than a silent whisper but he heard it.   
"I know, Tilly. It's okay."   
We awkwardly hugged, careful not to tilt our heads with the beer on it and I searched for another question.  
"People want to know if you and Connor are fine."   
Troye gave me a subtle death glare but didn't let his discomfort about the question show other than that.  
"Yeah, we are totally fine! Just because you guys don't see us interacting that much anymore doesn't mean that we're not talking. He's one of my best friends and that hasn't changed. And I am super proud of what he accomplished with Common Culture! If you guys don't know what I'm talking about you should defintely check it out!"  
It stinged hearing him talk about Connor like that but I knew that he was being truthful. They were just friends, right? But what are we then? I tried not to think about that and asked him some more questions about his music and a possible second album until we had enough material for the episode. We had ended up talking so much that we both forgot about the beer and just drank one cup together at the end.   
"You were right! It was fun.", I said to him as we walked out of the building. Luckily I didn't have to edit those episodes myself but I aways made sure to watch the edited version before it was uploaded to make sure that everything was okay. However I had the rest of the day off and I wanted to take Troye out before packing for San Francisco.  
"Are you hungry?"  
He smiled like a ten-year-old at the mention of food and nodded eagerly.  
"I know this really good place not far from here, we can walk there if you want to?"  
"I'd like that."  
So we made our way to what was one of my favourite restaurants in L A. It was italian and had the best pizza I've ever eaten in my life so I was sure that Troye was going to like it.  
After we sat down on a free table next to a window Troye started looking through the menu.   
"The pizza is awesome here!"  
"Sweet. I'll take one then."  
He smiled at me and for a moment I got stuck staring at his perfect birthmark until the waiter came and pulled me back into reality.


	11. I'll be there for you

We ended up talking so much that the last pieces of my pizza were cold when I ate them. But I couldn't care less. The spark in Troyes eyes when he looked at me was all I could ever ask for! The tension from the interview was totally gone and left room for more elecricity between us than I could bear. Not that I'm complaining! It felt so good, being near him and knowing that we were about to spent at least the ext few days together. Troye was notably happy and excited for the last show and maybe also for being here with me? or at least I was extremely happy about that. When he talked his eyes lit up and when he listened he always looked truly interested and seemed to soak in every detail that I told him about. It was weird, how often and how drastically the atmosphere between us seemed to change within a few hours but right now I was hapy about it. After it was already dark outside we decided to go home and pack up the rest of our stuff so we could leave early tomorrow. I grabbed my phone to call an Uber when Troye stopped me.   
"No, wait. Can we just walk a bit?"  
"Yeah, sure."  
I answered a bit surprised. But soon enough I thanked him for the idea. The air was warm and soft on my skin with a light breeze that was cool but not cold and Troye seemed to glow in the light of the street lights that covered everything in an soft, orange glow. We walked down the road, it was silent -  well not silent but it seemed quiet after the full restaurant - and the feeling of ease and calmness was completed when I felt Troye's fingers slightly touching mine for a couple times before he finally took my hand into his and smiled at me softly.   
In this moment all I wanted to do was walk. I didn't want to think about what this meant for us or the fact that Troye would leave for Australia soon. I just wanted to walk through this warm night with the man of my dreams holding my hand and the feeling of a soft breeze against my face.  
But eventually Troye stopped and pulled me around so I was facing him in the middle of the street.  
"This was nice.", he simply said leaving me unsure what to answer. Nice. "Yeah, it really was."  
He smiled when our eyes met. The cutest smile that I have ever seen and made me smile, too. I felt so happy in this moment, as if it was all I needed. I've always been someone who needs a little certainty, some kind of assurance, but in this moment all I could think of where the soft, plumb lips right in front of me and how bad I wanted to kiss them. But when I finally leaned in one of the most romantic moments of my life got ruined by Troye's phone. He sighed and pulled his hnds that have been resting on my shoulders away, leaving a cold feeling on them.  
"Mom, hi." was all I needed to hear, the rest was obvious telling by his face. After what has been not even a minute Troye put away his pone and looked at me with a sad expression.   
"What's wrong, babe?"  
"Their flight got cancelled. They won't make it in time. And because they only wanted to come to the show they'll stay home."  
I pulled him into a tight hug and he immidiately pressed his face against my neck.   
"I'm sorry!"  
"No, it's okay. I'll see them soon. it just woud have been nice to have them their with me."  
He pulled back and smiled at me cheekily.  
"Well, I guess now you have to be the one who comforts me when the tour is over. Be warned, I'm gonna cry like a baby."  
"That's okay, I'll be there for you."  
We both laugh before his face gets serious again and finally he pulls me close and tilts his head so I can reach his lips with mine. "Thank you.", he whispers into the kiss but I refuse to let him go yet to answer.  
I'll remember this moment forever. I thought to myself. It was perfect, standing on the empty street under the light of street lights and the stars, warm wind around us and Troye's lips on mine.  
Way too soon the moment was over as it suddenly started raining. And as romantic as it sounds, we didn't want to get wet and called an uber for the rest of the way.  
We spend the night packing our stuff and watching some Netflix before going to bed early as we had to get up early the next day to get our flight.   
We didn't talk about the kiss or what it all meant but still I felt more connected to Troye than ever. In the bed he rested his head on my chest and we fell asleep with our legs tangled together.


End file.
